I think a lot about things that more than likely will never happen. When I was young it was about what would happen when one of my parents left. In high school it was about what if was one of my siblings died. Now it is about what if we never have children...
Right now my trial is almost too hard for me to carry. I am working on accepting and moving on. One of the hardest parts is the waiting game. Pullman is small, and trying to see a specialist is like waiting for a blue moon!
Then to top it off, I am in a point in my life, where most of the people I associate with have young children. I love babies, and being told that maybe I can't have any, is completely devastating.
Every time I go to the doctor, and nothing has changed I get depressed. Every month, I get to put a big red dot on the calendar, I get depressed. Every time someone else announces they are expecting, I get angry.
I don't understand, and maybe never will.
Most of us do not understand God's timing or why he gives us the trials he does.
So how are we supposed to cope when everyone else is having what you desired most, and you might never experience...
You take it one day at a time. I am trying to be more open about the situation, not to make anyone feel bad, but to let it out so I am not so down on myself.
Many know about my sister-in-law and how they are expecting and how it sent me to a very dark place. I am slowly getting out of it. It is hard. There are so many things I do not understand, and really should just let it go. It is not my problem. I live 300 plus miles away. I only have to hear about it if I really want to. Well I don't. I want to just pretend like she doesn't exist right now, while I deal with my fertility issues.
I have an appointment Monday for the doctor to start looking for what could be wrong. I haven't even gone in yet, and am scare of what the results are going to be, what crazy tests they are going to do, and all the emotions that come with it.
I try to play this off like B and I haven't been trying, or we haven't decided it is time yet, but really those are just lies. I don't know what to say to people. I don't want pity. I want understanding. I want some one to say, "hey, I am dealing with that too," or "you know, we had some road blocks too." I want people to be a support or a friend to lend that listening ear.
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I have been where you are, we spent awhile trying to figure out what was wrong, visiting doctors, running tests, we even began seriously looking into adoption. It was a long hard struggle, I remember feeling exactly how you feel about other people getting pregnant, I was so angry and frustrated. I wish I had some great words of wisdom, what I found was when I finally relaxed and was able to reduce my stress levels we got pregnant.
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