A Trial of My Own...

I think a lot about things that more than likely will never happen. When I was young it was about what would happen when one of my parents left. In high school it was about what if was one of my siblings died. Now it is about what if we never have children...

Right now my trial is almost too hard for me to carry. I am working on accepting and moving on. One of the hardest parts is the waiting game. Pullman is small, and trying to see a specialist is like waiting for a blue moon!

Then to top it off, I am in a point in my life, where most of the people I associate with have young children. I love babies, and being told that maybe I can't have any, is completely devastating.

Every time I go to the doctor, and nothing has changed I get depressed. Every month, I get to put a big red dot on the calendar, I get depressed. Every time someone else announces they are expecting, I get angry.

I don't understand, and maybe never will.

Most of us do not understand God's timing or why he gives us the trials he does.

So how are we supposed to cope when everyone else is having what you desired most, and you might never experience...

You take it one day at a time. I am trying to be more open about the situation, not to make anyone feel bad, but to let it out so I am not so down on myself.

Many know about my sister-in-law and how they are expecting and how it sent me to a very dark place. I am slowly getting out of it. It is hard. There are so many things I do not understand, and really should just let it go. It is not my problem. I live 300 plus miles away. I only have to hear about it if I really want to. Well I don't. I want to just pretend like she doesn't exist right now, while I deal with my fertility issues.

I have an appointment Monday for the doctor to start looking for what could be wrong. I haven't even gone in yet, and am scare of what the results are going to be, what crazy tests they are going to do, and all the emotions that come with it.

I try to play this off like B and I haven't been trying, or we haven't decided it is time yet, but really those are just lies. I don't know what to say to people. I don't want pity. I want understanding. I want some one to say, "hey, I am dealing with that too," or "you know, we had some road blocks too." I want people to be a support or a friend to lend that listening ear.

I am Full of Thanks for...

a home

a warm bed

my job

my degree

my talents

my friends, near and far

the internet so I can be close to those for

our fat brat cat

my fishies

my sewing machine

B's job

our car and truck

Phyllis the Philodendron

our washing machine and dryer

shoes

clothes

hand knitted socks

food

non-dairy foods that actually taste good

my wonderful husband who works so hard both at work and at school

A To Finish List...

I have many 'to do lists' but things never seems to get done.... Maybe because they arent really things that need to be 'to do'ed but more of things that need to be finished. Things that need to be 'to do'ed are things like getting up, showering, and eating. If you don't do those things eventually you wont be able to do anything! So I am changing my every growing list to a to finish list... And here they are...

Christmas to finish list
Steve's hat and gloves from last year...
Brody's finger-less gloves
Mary's elephant
Twins monster hats
Washcloths for: mom, Terrie, Alex
Mittens for Cora
Earwarmers for Aarra and Lilli
Herringbone cowl and scarf

General crafts to finish
Doc who scarf
Tumbling block afghan
Granny square afghan
Tree of life afghan
Apron and matching hot pads
Lullaby cross-stitch
Scrapbooking: Wedding, Anniversaries
Lining the curtains
Halloween costumes

Refurbishing to finish
Sewing cupboard
3 chairs: one wooden one to paint, two wooden ones to re-upholster and paint
picture frames

Now if only I could get paid to finish these items and not have to work...

Well, I just must be...

*Witch* then!

The other day, someone (random person out in the town) called me a *witch*. I was so shocked that I responded, "Well, I guess I am!" I was at a store and was mad that this person had cut in front of my while I was waiting.

But I have been thinking... maybe I am...

I do not like to make friends. I have a hard time with the friends that come and go. I want a friend who is there for the long haul!

I do not like to say nice things. Really, it is hard for me, and hard for me to take complements. Also, I HATE it when people say something nice, but then back talk you behind your back...

I do not like how everyone is preggers! I am not drinking anything at church that I don't bring! I am joking there, but seriously. I am a really hurt with how some of them are 'dealing' with it. I really appreciated the high council member on Sunday who, talked about the elephant in the room that no one will acknowledge.

But maybe I am not...

I might not want to be in our ward right now, but I feel appreciated by the very few friends we have.

I love to help people with things. Sewing, knitting or crocheting, babysitting, hair for something important, or even just someone to talk to who can actually understand and talk back.

I love to make food for people! Even more that there is only a few things I can eat right now, I want to give people I know my food, before I take it to the food bank.

I love to laugh with you. I love project group, mainly because I get a good laugh in there, but also because I feel like I can impress people with my not so good 'yarning' skills.

I love to clean. Yes, I love my house clean, the dishes done, the laundry all folded and put away, house vacuumed and dusted... But I know that life doesn't always let the happen, so I love my shinny sink in the mean time.


I have been a little depressed that last few months dealing with some things, and I don't know how to talk to people about it. So, I have decided to take some time and make a list of things that make me happy, after a list of what makes me sad, always having more happy than sad.

Goals, Goals, and Goals!

I wish this was a post about soccer, but sadly it is not.

Most of you readers know about my 25 by 25 list, and as January gets closer I start to wonder what really is going to be achieved on that list...

Right now, I have done 4 of 25 Now some of the goals are a year one thing so I am on track to have almost half of the list done!

I have been work hard this last week on actually sitting down and reading my scriptures! I am so proud of myself! This last week I started reading in Moroni and am now in the middle of Mormon (I like to the BoM backwards, so that way when I get to 2 Nephi I don't quit!) Goal here: Finish BoM by New Years!!

Another goal, of mine, which sounds totally selfish, is I want some more really close good friends in Pullman! Seriously, B has 4-5 years left of school and I don't feel like people want to be friends with us because they are leaving before us. OR they think that because B is from here we have local friends-- NOT TRUE!! We actually know more students than residents of Pullman, or the 'local' people we know are students who will one day leave just like us!

Lastly, I want to turn our very unorganized basement into a functional storage room/workout area/study area for B. Today I spent some time trying to find a space to put all of the apple stuff we canned and the food I got from the cannery on Saturday... I think the basement is a never ending pit of stuff... Slowly I will beat it!

Happy Birthday to... No Body?

Tonight we stole some kids, well actually we were asked to babysit. When I was talking to the kids what we should do, they decided to have a birthday party! Well naturally I couldn't turn down the cutest three kids that I know so, I threw a last minute birthday party for No body!

So here are our pictures from our party!

Don't mind how ugly this cake is... It was a last minute, horrible frosting job...

Our party guests

Singing Happy Birthday

Oh, aren't they the cutest!!

YUUMMY CAKE!

Summer Recap # 2: ...and on the eighth day, god created TEXAS!

I am supposed to pay bills on the first Thursday of the month, but I don't want too. So I thought it was time for another summer recap, because I am lame and did not do them after they happened.

I LOVE Texas! I love the people, the weather, and places to see. I also love that a lot of my extended family lives there. When I grew up in Florida almost every other year we would travel to see family there. Now that we live in Washington, it never happens.

So as a graduation present to myself I went and visited my Grandma and Poppa who live in San Antonio. Poppa took me to the river walk that has opened up more of the river recently. We also went to the Tower of the America's, which is taller than the Space needle by about 500 feet, and you can see so much more!

Me at the River Walk

A one legged pigeon. It was so gross I had to take a picture!

Poppa, and the entering the locks! 

the Locks filling so we can go up.

I got to steady the boat while we were in the lock. It was only Poppa , the  driver and I on the boat,

Locks opening. The locks were really cool, have learned about them in school, but had never seen a real one in action!

The Tower of the Americas

The view. The joke is that Texas is so flat you can see the to Mexico...

The Alamo!

Fall...

Fall always brings about the change of the leaves, and the cool crisp air. But this year is brought something sad!! Our beloved tree swing and climbing tree was felled in the beginning of the fall. It was a very sad day as that tree is was sold us on renting our place. So here are a few pictures...

Our poor ca was very distraught, and now sits and looks out the window all day long...

Mixed Feelings About Leaving

We are more than likely going to change wards. Nothing is set in stone, and there are a couple of people in our current ward who would really like us to stay. But after two and a half years, enough is enough.

I am not sure how to tell people, so I thought I would be impersonal.

Maybe I feel like people don't notice us is because we don't fit the "stereotype" of our ward. It isn't really that they don't notice us as much as most do not seem to want to get to know us.

It is sad when your home teachers come over and basically say, if it wasn't for this assignment we wouldn't of had tried to get to know you.

Even though I am done trying to make friends in the ward, and I am done with the cliques and the looks. I am sad we won't be seeing those few close friend we do have every week.

Friendship is important to me, honestly it is what brought me back to church, but no one wants to be some place they know they aren't welcome.